Living with Legends

Uh-oh Spaghetti-Os Glennon!  Marlene Krauss, Harvard MBA, was here at the Chelsea Hotel AGAIN yesterday.  Dear God, how this must be interfering with her career as an MD, Master of the Universe and bad ass corporate raider!  Additionally, her $4.5 million home on the Upper East Side continues to sit unsold on the market.  It’s a good bet that she doesn’t appreciate this extra aggravation.  Ah, well, perhaps there’s a silver lining.  Luckily for you, even though you and BD management were quite rude and never introduced yourselves to tenants after you were foisted upon us by the minority shareholders, we’re going to turn the other cheek and be helpful to you.  And, so we’re offering you, free-of-charge, our valuable transition counseling services.  Today, we’re actually going to save you the time and expense of hiring a service to rewrite your resume. But be forewarned, Glennon, truthful resumes are the way to go.  You don’t want to get caught making stuff up by your future employer.

GLENNON TRAVIS

Brooklyn, New York(and everywhere really; I’m a citizen of the world)

Objective:
-To obtain a position where I can sit around at my desk and play Tetris and look at Internet porn

Special Skills: 

-OPD (Obnoxious Personality Disorder) Also sometimes known as assholeism.

-Ability to alienate absolutely anyone from tenants to employees and from Board Members to Union Reps

-Ability to set up an extremely embarrassing myspace page (though not willing to learn how to take one down)
-Refined Sense of Smell — can sniff out marijuana fumes even when they’re mostly imaginary

-Other Skills: Narc, Snitch, Rat, Squealer, Paranoid alarmist

Education:

-Double major in chillin’ and kickin’ it, dawg!

-Never graduated from hotel school, but obviously that’s not relevant since I was able to land a job managing a large Manhattan hotel anyway

Hobbies: 

-Bumming around on the beach in St. Louis while listening to Reggae and drinking wine

-Hip Hotel Junky

Experience:
”Director of Operations” (Manager, to you, bitch) Chelsea Hotel
July 2007 – Present
-Lead initiative to clean hallways of bad art and useful furniture

-Slashed room rates while miraculously keeping occupancy rates low
-Contributed to the destruction of the infrastructure by booking large corporate events that clogged the halls and broke the elevators

-Proposed renaming the hotel as "Bohemian Gardens" to avoid confusion with famous art hotel of the past

-Supervised purchase of maid’s carts that won’t fit in the service elevator, as well as trash bins that are too small

-Oversaw the knocking-down of dust from inaccessible ledges and pipes

-Imposed and enforced many important regulations designed to restrict lifestyles of irresponsible Bohemians who have really gotten away with too much already

-Oversaw introduction of numerous errors on the new corporate website

-Developed new "Tombstone" business cards

-Outfitted doormen in Beefeater-style uniforms

Prior Experience:
Freedom Fry Chef at McDonalds
Barrister at Starbucks

Team Member at Jamba Juice