In last week’s Chelsea Now, manager Andrew Tilley promised Chelsea Hotel residents a letter in which he would introduce himself and tell us his plans for the building. While it has not been forthcoming, Tilley did indeed compose a draft of such a letter, which he then e-mailed to Marlene Krauss, who promptly shot it down. Apparently, she thought it revealed too much, but you can judge for yourself, as we intercepted it. These people still haven’t caught on that we control the internet:
Dear Chelsea Hotel Residents,
Welcome to the New Chelsea Hotel! I’m Andrew Tilley of Britain, and I’ll be your manager as we move forward into the New Century. If you have any questions, just ask for me at the front desk, and I’ll be only too happy meet with you in order to address your concerns. I have a feeling we’re going to be friends.
Some of you are no doubt concerned as to our plans for the building, and I’m here to set your minds at ease. Just trust us, it’s going to be great. Though restrictive and unfair land marking laws prevent us from modernizing the façade of the hotel, the good news is that no such strictures are in place regarding the interior of the building, so we can have a ball!
The new lobby will be under construction for two years, but residents can enter and exit through the tunnel to 22nd St., and so any inconvenience will be minor. The wait will be worth it, for when the lobby is finished it will stand alongside any W Hotel in the world in terms of style and elegance, probably something in slate or black and red lacquer, definitely with a Koi pond and some potted trees. The stairwell will be opened to the lobby, resulting in dust and asbestos being broadcast throughout the building, but only temporarily. We will also replace the dilapidated cast iron railing of the staircase with a more modern version, a move which only the most hopeless fossils can fail to applaud. (Don’t worry, having worked at the Hard Rock Hotel, I have a well developed appreciation of history.)
A new bar, “Legends Lounge” is presently under construction in the room off the lobby. It will be managed by Charles Ferri and will feature fresh young coconut shakes and music by the Doors. Exclusive Members will enter through the old Balabanis Tailor shop, and will eventually be able to board an express elevator to Rareview, the elite new club on the roof! At some point, if you behave yourselves, we will have an open house where you can tour this fabulous establishment, which will normally be bottle service only and will feature a helipad for oil magnates visiting from Dubai.
Under study is a proposal whereby the present lobby and entrance will be used only for the high-paying nightly guests. The old permanent residents, if any remain, will be grouped on the lower floors of the east wing, using the back staircase and the present service elevator to access a “grandly” refurbished tunnel to 22nd St.(which you should be accustomed to using by this point anyway). We are in negotiations with Madame Tussaud’s to produce a full scale model of Stanley Bard, possibly in tennis attire, that will be installed behind glass on your wing of the hotel.
As part of this long-overdue process of renewal, we’ll be sloughing off the detritus of the old. We realize that some of our tenants have special needs that can best be served by such psychological care facilities as half-way houses, and we will work with each of you individually to ensure that you obtain the most satisfactory placement. In addition, some of you may be “temporarily” relocated to another floor as construction proceeds, or even to a beautiful resettlement project in the Bronx. But don’t worry about any of this until you receive a notice in your box.
Of course, all these changes will be financed under a Capital Improvement program that will allow us to levy a “modest” increase in your rents, thus bringing them up to market level in a long overdue correction. But once you see our brilliant new hospitality establishment, I’m sure you all will agree that the sacrifice is well worth it. And besides, most of you will be gone by then and won’t even have to pay!
Welcome once again to an exciting new concept in hotel living.
Cheerio,
Living with Legends 
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