Our sovereign ruler, Mistress Marlene Krauss, was born on January 17, 1941, in New York City. Krauss1970s Consulting an old Farmer’s almanac, Legends has learned that, on that exact date, the Earth underwent a complete solar eclipse, the moon passing in front of the sun, blotting out its life-giving rays and enveloping our fair planet in a stygian darkness.  But of course that’s just a coincidence.

Marlene’s father, Julius Krauss, was born on March 16, 1898, in Hungary.  A plumber by trade, Julius presided over the destruction of the Chelsea Hotel ’s famous stained glass windows and plate glass mirrors, among other irreplaceable treasures.  He died in sunny Florida on September 18, 1978, his dream of completely demolishing the Chelsea left to his daughter to fulfill.

Marlene’s mother, Pearl Moldovan, was born on December 18, 1908 in  Hungary.  Feeling that Stanley Bard was getting a lot of undeserved attention, she urged her husband to take a greater role in the management of the Chelsea.  She died on May 5, 1983, also in Florida, her dream bequeathed to Marlene as well.

After Marlene’s birth, Julius and Pearl decided not to have any more children.

Pausing briefly from her busy schedule, Marlene married Zachary Berk on September 16, 1984.   Zackberk Consulting our Farmer’s Almanac we discovered that there was a rain of frogs that day, always propitious.)

Marlene is Zachary’s second wife, good ol’ Zack having divorced his first wife, Suzanna Thomas (talk about having the last laugh!), in 1979.  Zachary was born on November 27, 1947, and—though Legends reported in error that the lovebirds met at his funeral — Marlene hasn’t killed him yet. Marlene and Zachary have three children, and Zachary brought three of his own to the union.  So it must be kind of like the Brady Bunch around their house—only without the laughs.  (Photo: Zachary Berk via Google)

Dark Mistress Marlene also has a child from an extramarital affair with Cthulhu. As the spawn of this unholy union increases in power daily, Marlene’s control over him wanes, and he now threatens to devour her. — Ed Hamilton
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9 responses to “The Noble Pedigree of Queen Marlene, MD, Pld., Harvard MBA, and All Things Great and Glorious That You Wish You Were But Will Never Be”

  1. Bernie Got Mine Avatar

    Can I PLEASE be the QUEEN OF MEAN? After all Leona Helmsley is dead and QUEEN MARLENE just isn’t accurate.

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  2. new mismanagement Avatar
    new mismanagement

    jesus h. christ ed you should insert a spoiler at the top of the page whenever you plan to post that photo of david elder. i felt my eyeballs retreating to the back of my skull

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  3. Rochelle Avatar
    Rochelle

    I’m willing to bet David won’t look quite as smug when hes posing for his Police mugshot. Not by a long shot.

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  4. Spawn of Cthulhu Avatar
    Spawn of Cthulhu

    “The star-spawn of Cthulhu, or Cthulhi, have a physical similarity with Cthulhu himself, but are of far smaller size. This race arrived with him, but relatively little is known about them. On Earth they built the city R’lyeh, which later sank in the ocean, and where they still dwell with Cthulhu. A few are rumored to have escaped this incident, and can be found in hidden places on Earth.”
    Sure sounds like him/them.

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  5. Gross Returns Avatar
    Gross Returns

    If Betty Gross were still here she’d be the first to second this birth theory, Ed. In her shoes I’d want far far away from pugface Elder and his incredibly insensitive misdeeds. If she could, Gross would curse him for snatching a livelihood from the pocket of the man she had married, Piri Thomas.

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  6. Wicked Witch of the West Side Avatar
    Wicked Witch of the West Side

    Unsure how long it took Marlene to get her worthless MBA but it took her 43 years to earn her MRS and that says a mouthful about the Wicked Witch of the West Side.

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  7. Cruella de Krauss Avatar
    Cruella de Krauss

    Zack Berk, from his photo anyway, seems a likeable enough guy. Probably just real gullible.

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  8. Holy Cow Avatar
    Holy Cow

    Nothing is sacred. To these beasts the Hotel Chelsea is just another product to be exploited. They’ll all wind up on that TV show “American Greed”. Its very popular now.

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  9. Rx Avatar
    Rx

    What year did Marlene have her nose…ahem…reimagined?

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